Im back to depressed again..
I just cry and cry and cry uncontrollable..:(
My heart is still feeling so painful..still bleeding even after a week..
i cant imagine how am i gona live without him in my life anymore..
i feel so lonely..so miserable..im all alone now:(
hiding in the corner of my room..
i just wana bury my face into the pillow..
if can,i dun wana wake up anymore..
so that i wont have to feel this painful feeling everyday..
tears after tears rolling into the pillow..
i could only hug my beloved dolls and no one else..
where is love in this world..
i just want to love and be loved..why is it so hard??:(
i have been deprived of love since young..
when can i get love at last or will i ever get,i wonder..
this world is just so cruel..
my heart has been stabbed again and again by love..
why dun just let me die then..:(
seeing his handsome pics in spore in facebook..
makes me feel like wana hug him..
but how can i do that anymore..
who am i to him now..
im no more urs..u dun love me anymore:(
all i want now is to see him..
wana see him for 1 last time..
can i at least hug u for the last time?:(
feel the warmthness of ur body and feeling safe in ur arms..
i dun even knw whether i will experience that again in the future..
im so lonely..all i want is to see u for 1 last time..can i?:(
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
My Father's 4th Demise Anniversary..Not Forgotten Tsunami Victims..
Today, 27 Dec 2008 was my father's 4th demise anniversary..
exactly 4 yrs ago, my beloved father passed away due to colon cancer at 4am, 27 Dec, 2004.
Also, not forgotten the 4th year anniversary of Tsunami incidents that caused thousands of death in many countries on Boxing Day, 26 Dec,2004.
The memories my father and the image of tsunami in newspapers still haunts me now and then..
I still remember the time when my mum and I had to take care of during the last few days when u were bedridden.. really never expect u would just leave us like that 1 day:(
I would never ever forget this time of the year..together i mourn together with the families of tsunami victims for all of us had lost our beloved ones..lets hold a silent prayer together....
Papa,I really miss u so much:( how r u now?i hope u r resting peacefully in heaven..
look..im a big girl now..im gona graduate soon next year june..i know u must be proud of me:)
i really hope to meet u again..i almost cause myself death that day if not of the failed attempt:(
i guess u were the guardian angel that saved me that day..maybe its not my time yet:(
but i do hope to meet u soon..i miss u so much, papa..
now, 7 days after the break up..i have gone through emotions of roller coaster..
from being sad, depressed, disappointed, angry..now im feeling much more better..
no more crying although i still do feel sad:(
the weird thing is i still miss him:( why do i still miss him when we r only friends now?:(
i guess im still not used to the new role yet..as his friend instead of gf:(
i also would not how to act if i ever meet him again in the future..
should i just ignore him or talk to him like normal? could i make it?:(
how would his response and behavior towards me? cold? indifferent?
i really dun know wat to expect..quite sad also when come to think of this:(
anyway, just hope that watever will be, will be..
exactly 4 yrs ago, my beloved father passed away due to colon cancer at 4am, 27 Dec, 2004.
Also, not forgotten the 4th year anniversary of Tsunami incidents that caused thousands of death in many countries on Boxing Day, 26 Dec,2004.
The memories my father and the image of tsunami in newspapers still haunts me now and then..
I still remember the time when my mum and I had to take care of during the last few days when u were bedridden.. really never expect u would just leave us like that 1 day:(
I would never ever forget this time of the year..together i mourn together with the families of tsunami victims for all of us had lost our beloved ones..lets hold a silent prayer together....
Papa,I really miss u so much:( how r u now?i hope u r resting peacefully in heaven..
look..im a big girl now..im gona graduate soon next year june..i know u must be proud of me:)
i really hope to meet u again..i almost cause myself death that day if not of the failed attempt:(
i guess u were the guardian angel that saved me that day..maybe its not my time yet:(
but i do hope to meet u soon..i miss u so much, papa..
now, 7 days after the break up..i have gone through emotions of roller coaster..
from being sad, depressed, disappointed, angry..now im feeling much more better..
no more crying although i still do feel sad:(
the weird thing is i still miss him:( why do i still miss him when we r only friends now?:(
i guess im still not used to the new role yet..as his friend instead of gf:(
i also would not how to act if i ever meet him again in the future..
should i just ignore him or talk to him like normal? could i make it?:(
how would his response and behavior towards me? cold? indifferent?
i really dun know wat to expect..quite sad also when come to think of this:(
anyway, just hope that watever will be, will be..
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Facts Regarding Cough Medicine That I Was Overdosed In
Sedilix-DM Linctus
This is the name of the cough mixture that I took to attempt suicide..
it is an antitussive, antihistamine,nasal decongestant (cherry flavour) cough medicine
It effectively suppresses dry irritating cough; relieves allergic rhinitis and common cold, clears stuffy nose, relieves sneezing and runny nose.
the recommendable dosage for adults and children over 12yrs is 10ml every 6hrs..
and i took about 1/3 of the bottle which is roughly 30ml..
normally,even 10ml would make me feel very drowsy and knock me into deep sleep..
imagine if i take 3x of the recommendable amount..
i really had a very deep sleep that night but i woke up the next morning feeling drowsy and drugged throughout the day..
the stated side effects include drowsiness, dizziness, dry mouth, hallucination, allergic rxns etc..
and yes,in my experience,the cough medicine is so strong that i even experienced hallucination b4 after taking it..i felt as if i heard sounds and fell into dreamland while i was just sitting on the chair with the laptop on..sounds scary huh?but this is wat i really experienced before..
out of boredom and curiousity, i decided to do some research on this cough medicine online..
i found the same experience that other ppl had after taking this cough med..
"i took 1 spoonful n was knocked out for 12 hours straight..n den my cough was cured"
"I slept like pig after taking it. The effect is strong"
"It makes you drowsy. At first, it's a wonderful feeling. It's like you're walking on clouds. You sleep really well. You wake up the next morning feeling fresh. Most importantly, you don't cough that much anymore and can speak a sentence without raining saliva on your listeners.
The only problem is, after a few days of cherry flavoured heaven, you start to feel really awful. You feel drowsy even when you are not taking the medication. You sleep all day long. You become unproductive. You can't think straight. You always feel like you're walking on a rocking boat. You get so addicted to the cherry flavoured poison"
Each 5ml of the cough medicine contains:
Dextromethorphan HBr 15mg
Promethazine HCl 3.125mg
Pseudoephedrine HCl 30mg
and so, i did research also on the content of the cough mixture..
Dextromethorphan: At doses higher than medically recommended, dextromethorphan is classified as a dissociative hallucinogenic drug, with visible effects that are similar to ketamine and phencyclidine (PCP). It can produce distortions of the visual field, feelings of dissociation, perceived bodily distortion, and excitement.
Promethazine: Side effects include drowsiness, dry mouth, blurred vision, confusion and respiratory depression of overdose.
Cough syrup which contains Promethazine mixed with ingredients such as Sprite soft drink and pieces of Jolly Rancher candy produces Purple Drank-a term for a recreational drug popular in the hip-hop community of the southern United States.
Purple drank is confirmed to have caused the deaths of overdosed users.
Respiratory depression is a fatal adverse drug reaction associated with Promethazine.
Several rapper such as Pimp C, DJ Screw, and Big Moe had died of Purple Drank overdose.
Pseudoephedrine: Is a very strong nasal decongestant and is banned in several countries.
However, in countries such as in US and Msia, it is allowed to be sold in pharmacies behind-the-counter and to collect personal information from the purchaser. this explains on why I had to write down my personal details when I bought this cough med in pharmacy in Watson.
There has been debates where it should not be sold over-the counter for easy access because it is a strong chemical which might cause misuse and addiction.
Also, its puzzling on how this cough med which is supposed to be control medicine and could be obtained only under doctor's prescription could be obtained so easily.
In short, I had actually taken a cough medicine which is deemed as illegal in some countries.
I had also asked a MHA friend whom is studying as parademic..
he said i was lucky to have consumed only 30ml as it is not enough to be considered as overdose..
since i only took 30ml,i got the same side effects which is drowsiness except it lasts longer which explains why i felt drowsy after waking up the next morning and felt drugged the whole day..
in order for it to cause damage, I need to take at least 1 whole bottle..
that also wont necessarily cause death but I might be hospitalised for respiratory depression..
cough medicine overdose can be considered as harmless but it could cause addiction if being taken overdose continuously in long run..eventually,our body would be immune and resistant to it and need more amount for it to takes effect..until a point where our body could not take it anymore, that is where it might cause death..
another interesting real life story is u cant take the whole bottle of cough medicine as it would make u puking after that..thats why some cough med addict prefers to take pills instead..
in short,the amount of cough medicine that i took that day was not powerful enough to cause me any harm.. unless,i try to mix it with Sprite and take it overdose..or take as many pills as possible..hmm..interesting..
This is the name of the cough mixture that I took to attempt suicide..
it is an antitussive, antihistamine,nasal decongestant (cherry flavour) cough medicine
It effectively suppresses dry irritating cough; relieves allergic rhinitis and common cold, clears stuffy nose, relieves sneezing and runny nose.
the recommendable dosage for adults and children over 12yrs is 10ml every 6hrs..
and i took about 1/3 of the bottle which is roughly 30ml..
normally,even 10ml would make me feel very drowsy and knock me into deep sleep..
imagine if i take 3x of the recommendable amount..
i really had a very deep sleep that night but i woke up the next morning feeling drowsy and drugged throughout the day..
the stated side effects include drowsiness, dizziness, dry mouth, hallucination, allergic rxns etc..
and yes,in my experience,the cough medicine is so strong that i even experienced hallucination b4 after taking it..i felt as if i heard sounds and fell into dreamland while i was just sitting on the chair with the laptop on..sounds scary huh?but this is wat i really experienced before..
out of boredom and curiousity, i decided to do some research on this cough medicine online..
i found the same experience that other ppl had after taking this cough med..
"i took 1 spoonful n was knocked out for 12 hours straight..n den my cough was cured"
"I slept like pig after taking it. The effect is strong"
"It makes you drowsy. At first, it's a wonderful feeling. It's like you're walking on clouds. You sleep really well. You wake up the next morning feeling fresh. Most importantly, you don't cough that much anymore and can speak a sentence without raining saliva on your listeners.
The only problem is, after a few days of cherry flavoured heaven, you start to feel really awful. You feel drowsy even when you are not taking the medication. You sleep all day long. You become unproductive. You can't think straight. You always feel like you're walking on a rocking boat. You get so addicted to the cherry flavoured poison"
Each 5ml of the cough medicine contains:Dextromethorphan HBr 15mg
Promethazine HCl 3.125mg
Pseudoephedrine HCl 30mg
and so, i did research also on the content of the cough mixture..
Dextromethorphan: At doses higher than medically recommended, dextromethorphan is classified as a dissociative hallucinogenic drug, with visible effects that are similar to ketamine and phencyclidine (PCP). It can produce distortions of the visual field, feelings of dissociation, perceived bodily distortion, and excitement.
Promethazine: Side effects include drowsiness, dry mouth, blurred vision, confusion and respiratory depression of overdose.
Cough syrup which contains Promethazine mixed with ingredients such as Sprite soft drink and pieces of Jolly Rancher candy produces Purple Drank-a term for a recreational drug popular in the hip-hop community of the southern United States.
Purple drank is confirmed to have caused the deaths of overdosed users.
Respiratory depression is a fatal adverse drug reaction associated with Promethazine.
Several rapper such as Pimp C, DJ Screw, and Big Moe had died of Purple Drank overdose.
Pseudoephedrine: Is a very strong nasal decongestant and is banned in several countries.
However, in countries such as in US and Msia, it is allowed to be sold in pharmacies behind-the-counter and to collect personal information from the purchaser. this explains on why I had to write down my personal details when I bought this cough med in pharmacy in Watson.
There has been debates where it should not be sold over-the counter for easy access because it is a strong chemical which might cause misuse and addiction.
Also, its puzzling on how this cough med which is supposed to be control medicine and could be obtained only under doctor's prescription could be obtained so easily.
In short, I had actually taken a cough medicine which is deemed as illegal in some countries.
I had also asked a MHA friend whom is studying as parademic..
he said i was lucky to have consumed only 30ml as it is not enough to be considered as overdose..
since i only took 30ml,i got the same side effects which is drowsiness except it lasts longer which explains why i felt drowsy after waking up the next morning and felt drugged the whole day..
in order for it to cause damage, I need to take at least 1 whole bottle..
that also wont necessarily cause death but I might be hospitalised for respiratory depression..
cough medicine overdose can be considered as harmless but it could cause addiction if being taken overdose continuously in long run..eventually,our body would be immune and resistant to it and need more amount for it to takes effect..until a point where our body could not take it anymore, that is where it might cause death..
another interesting real life story is u cant take the whole bottle of cough medicine as it would make u puking after that..thats why some cough med addict prefers to take pills instead..
in short,the amount of cough medicine that i took that day was not powerful enough to cause me any harm.. unless,i try to mix it with Sprite and take it overdose..or take as many pills as possible..hmm..interesting..
Failed Suicide Attempt
Surprisingly, my suicide attempt failed and I didnt even end up hospitalised..
I woke up the next morning feeling drowsy from the side effects of overdose and feeling drugged throughout the day..:(
perhaps 1/3 bottle or 30ml of cough medicine is too little to be considered as overdosed..
4days after the break up,i feel better now but still depressed sometimes:(
the mixed feelings of depressed,sadness,disappointment,angry have been clouding my heart..
all i wana know now is the REASON..reason of the break up..
why?why did u wana break up?there must be a reason to everything..
u cant slap a person without a reason..if not,the person will be angry of course..
also,it wont be fair if u jail a person without reason such as put a person into ISA..
if there is no reason for break up,do u think its being fair for me??
when u have feelings for me last time,u proposed to me..and now that u dun love me anymore,u just dump me like that??u wish that i would just disappear out of ur life,dun u?:(
the more u dun wana tell the reason,the more angry and bitter i will become..
dun u realise the impact on me?it already caused a huge impact on me..
my heart has been broken into thousands of pieces which god knows how long it would take to heals..although our relationship lasted less than 1 yr,but ours r the deepest love i have ever felt..
the impact also cause me to be afraid of emotionally involved in love anymore in the future:(
the feelings of rejection..is too much for me to bear..
for what i have sacrifised,this is what i get..really cant help to feel disappointed and helpless:(
even if im able to love again in the future,i would not sacrifise so much anymore..
there is no point being good to other ppl when there is no guarantee that i would be appreciated..
im really tired and hurtful of love..really dun have the mood to look for someone new now..
loneliness is making me so depressed:(
there is nobody for me to hug when im cold,
no hand for me to hold to when i walk,
nobody to sleep beside me at night,
nobody for me to call and tell stories to,
my heart is feeling empty..so empty..it has lost the passion and reason to beats..
the fear of feeling sweet love again..which is so pure and yet so fragile..
depression..u come and gone..causing me undescribeable suffering..:(
i just wish that the pain would just go away..
and i myself would just float far far away into the land of unknown..
I woke up the next morning feeling drowsy from the side effects of overdose and feeling drugged throughout the day..:(
perhaps 1/3 bottle or 30ml of cough medicine is too little to be considered as overdosed..
4days after the break up,i feel better now but still depressed sometimes:(
the mixed feelings of depressed,sadness,disappointment,angry have been clouding my heart..
all i wana know now is the REASON..reason of the break up..
why?why did u wana break up?there must be a reason to everything..
u cant slap a person without a reason..if not,the person will be angry of course..
also,it wont be fair if u jail a person without reason such as put a person into ISA..
if there is no reason for break up,do u think its being fair for me??
when u have feelings for me last time,u proposed to me..and now that u dun love me anymore,u just dump me like that??u wish that i would just disappear out of ur life,dun u?:(
the more u dun wana tell the reason,the more angry and bitter i will become..
dun u realise the impact on me?it already caused a huge impact on me..
my heart has been broken into thousands of pieces which god knows how long it would take to heals..although our relationship lasted less than 1 yr,but ours r the deepest love i have ever felt..
the impact also cause me to be afraid of emotionally involved in love anymore in the future:(
the feelings of rejection..is too much for me to bear..
for what i have sacrifised,this is what i get..really cant help to feel disappointed and helpless:(
even if im able to love again in the future,i would not sacrifise so much anymore..
there is no point being good to other ppl when there is no guarantee that i would be appreciated..
im really tired and hurtful of love..really dun have the mood to look for someone new now..
loneliness is making me so depressed:(
there is nobody for me to hug when im cold,
no hand for me to hold to when i walk,
nobody to sleep beside me at night,
nobody for me to call and tell stories to,
my heart is feeling empty..so empty..it has lost the passion and reason to beats..
the fear of feeling sweet love again..which is so pure and yet so fragile..
depression..u come and gone..causing me undescribeable suffering..:(
i just wish that the pain would just go away..
and i myself would just float far far away into the land of unknown..
Sunday, December 21, 2008
This Is How It Ended & My Last Words..
Dear all,
I'm so depressed and tired of everything.
i'm scared of knife and poison..so i want a sweet death..
therefore, I have a cough medicine right in front of me.
its a strong cough medicine..even 10ml would make me damn drowsy...
so,with 1/3 bottle left, hopefully it would knock me into deep sleep after i finished it.
i dun know wat would the consequences be..its written overdose effect as respiratory depression so even if i have it,i wont be able to realised it as i would be in deep sleep then..
At last,this is how it ends..Simon,the person that I love the most broke up with me..
I have cried buckets till no tears left..i have now become numb,emotionless,inhuman feelings..
why must all my love life be so depressing?
i just want to love and be loved in return..must it be so hard?
it hurts to see couples having nice time together in prom night..
they seem to be in their own world..staring into each other's eyes lovingly..
holding, hugging and dancing passionately,
the guys seem to be so caring towards their gfs..i really envy them so much:(
it hurts to see couples having fun while im alone in prom..so depressing:(
Simon was the perfect man that I thought could love forever..
but,how wrong i was..he no longer loves me..no reason was given..and im left in the darkness..
my heart feels as if it had been stabbed multiple times..so painful,so hurtful..
i just wana forget everything..
even if i survive tonight,i hope to be able to forget everything..
if i dun,i hope to bring together our sweet and nice moments with me in heaven/hell..
Dear Simon,
Thx for being my bf..althou our relationship didnt work out as expected,but u r my best ever bf
if i cant make u happy,i hope u can find someone better than me..
perhaps im too clingy and dependant on u..
im so sorry to be a burden to u..i know i must be very troublesome to u so u wana break up..
I know u r suicidal as well..but pls promise me,if im not here anymore,do not follow my steps..
promise me that u would live a better life and be a better person..
i want u to be happy..pls be optimistic and dun be so pessimitic in life..
u r a good guy and i still love u..pls take care of urself
ps: i'm not sure whether u have read the offline msn msg or the mic word that i have sent to u, but if u havent, the mic word file is opened in my laptop if u come here..i wil leave my laptop on..
4.03am-10ml
4.10am-another 10ml..hand started to shake..
sweet cough med..i want more..i wana sleep peacefully..
i dun care..add another 10ml..hope this would knock me out..
now finished..im done..i drank cough med like drinking water..
waiting for it to take effect..should be soon..
or should i go to sleep now..starting to feel drowsy..
nvm lemme finish my last words 1st..
to all my other friends..Debbie,Edward,Jaime,Jeremy,Kevin,Ooi Yee,Rachel and other names tht i didnt mention here..thank u so much for ur concern and support when i'm down..
u guys r my great friends and i realy appreciate u guys..
pls dun be sad when im gona..i just wana have a nice rest..
also,my father's 4th demise anniversairy is coming on dec27..
i wana see him again..i wana fulfill the regret of not appreciating him when he is alive..
i hope u guys would learn the moral of this story..
pls appreciate those who love u and nvr wait til its too late..
i learnt tht after my father's death and i hope u guys would realise it soon too..
to my mum,im so sorry to let u down..
u have raised me up so hard..and yet,im doing this to u..
im sorry that i hate u..i knw u love me but the way u treated me all these yrs really had bad impact on me..parent's quarrel,mental abuse,childhood depression..i cant stand it anymore,pls..
pls use the money to take care of urself til u r old..
im so sorry for not being able to take care of u in the future..
im really sorry..and i hope u wil forgive me..
ok i guess i wana go to sleep now..
goodbye everyone..
let me sleep with a smile instead of a frown..
i wana put away the sadness and leave this world with peace..
goodbye..
I'm so depressed and tired of everything.
i'm scared of knife and poison..so i want a sweet death..
therefore, I have a cough medicine right in front of me.
its a strong cough medicine..even 10ml would make me damn drowsy...
so,with 1/3 bottle left, hopefully it would knock me into deep sleep after i finished it.
i dun know wat would the consequences be..its written overdose effect as respiratory depression so even if i have it,i wont be able to realised it as i would be in deep sleep then..
At last,this is how it ends..Simon,the person that I love the most broke up with me..
I have cried buckets till no tears left..i have now become numb,emotionless,inhuman feelings..
why must all my love life be so depressing?
i just want to love and be loved in return..must it be so hard?
it hurts to see couples having nice time together in prom night..
they seem to be in their own world..staring into each other's eyes lovingly..
holding, hugging and dancing passionately,
the guys seem to be so caring towards their gfs..i really envy them so much:(
it hurts to see couples having fun while im alone in prom..so depressing:(
Simon was the perfect man that I thought could love forever..
but,how wrong i was..he no longer loves me..no reason was given..and im left in the darkness..
my heart feels as if it had been stabbed multiple times..so painful,so hurtful..
i just wana forget everything..
even if i survive tonight,i hope to be able to forget everything..
if i dun,i hope to bring together our sweet and nice moments with me in heaven/hell..
Dear Simon,
Thx for being my bf..althou our relationship didnt work out as expected,but u r my best ever bf
if i cant make u happy,i hope u can find someone better than me..
perhaps im too clingy and dependant on u..
im so sorry to be a burden to u..i know i must be very troublesome to u so u wana break up..
I know u r suicidal as well..but pls promise me,if im not here anymore,do not follow my steps..
promise me that u would live a better life and be a better person..
i want u to be happy..pls be optimistic and dun be so pessimitic in life..
u r a good guy and i still love u..pls take care of urself
ps: i'm not sure whether u have read the offline msn msg or the mic word that i have sent to u, but if u havent, the mic word file is opened in my laptop if u come here..i wil leave my laptop on..
4.03am-10ml
4.10am-another 10ml..hand started to shake..
sweet cough med..i want more..i wana sleep peacefully..
i dun care..add another 10ml..hope this would knock me out..
now finished..im done..i drank cough med like drinking water..
waiting for it to take effect..should be soon..
or should i go to sleep now..starting to feel drowsy..
nvm lemme finish my last words 1st..
to all my other friends..Debbie,Edward,Jaime,Jeremy,Kevin,Ooi Yee,Rachel and other names tht i didnt mention here..thank u so much for ur concern and support when i'm down..
u guys r my great friends and i realy appreciate u guys..
pls dun be sad when im gona..i just wana have a nice rest..
also,my father's 4th demise anniversairy is coming on dec27..
i wana see him again..i wana fulfill the regret of not appreciating him when he is alive..
i hope u guys would learn the moral of this story..
pls appreciate those who love u and nvr wait til its too late..
i learnt tht after my father's death and i hope u guys would realise it soon too..
to my mum,im so sorry to let u down..
u have raised me up so hard..and yet,im doing this to u..
im sorry that i hate u..i knw u love me but the way u treated me all these yrs really had bad impact on me..parent's quarrel,mental abuse,childhood depression..i cant stand it anymore,pls..
pls use the money to take care of urself til u r old..
im so sorry for not being able to take care of u in the future..
im really sorry..and i hope u wil forgive me..
ok i guess i wana go to sleep now..
goodbye everyone..
let me sleep with a smile instead of a frown..
i wana put away the sadness and leave this world with peace..
goodbye..
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Last Xmas U Gave Me Your Heart...
I still remember at this time of the year last year,I spent my Xmas with my ex-bf in Australia.
However,that is not what I wana remember..my ex-bf is already a history..
I still remember exactly on Dec19,2007, after Simon and Tong fetched me to KLIA, Simon sent a sms to me confessing he loves me..it was very sweet of him then..and the msg is still in my hp:)
Back then,I really never thought he would be my bf..furthermore,I was kinda planning to further my studies in Aus to be together with my ex-bf..
However,what a change in fate..he made me realised and gave me hope that someone nearby could give me happiness..I changed my mind and decided not to go to Aus instead:)
After some time,I decided to break up with my ex-bf coz we dun seem to have future together..
On the Valentine's Day on Feb14,2008,u proposed to me and thus, start the journey of our love..
Many sweet memories when we were together..in Genting Highland,Pangkor Island..
not forgetting dating at each other's house and watched movies together..:)
All these memories make my heart smile and long for ur presence..
U r not the perfect kind of guy but I felt a total sense of happiness when I'm with u:)
However, as time goes by, u became busier with work and friends..
I'm no longer ur priority and u r moving away from me..
I was ignored and dun feel appreciated by u..
instead, i began to feel like a burden to u:(
What ever happen to the passionate kiss and hug?
Why were u looking away when I try to look into ur eyes?
Why is there an annoying tone in ur voice when I call u?
Why don't u call or msg me anymore?
Why arent u calling me baby or darling anymore?
Who am I to u and am I even a significant person in ur life?
My heart breaks into pieces when I dont even know whether u love me or not..
What have I done and what are my weaknesses that caused u to treat me this way?
I dun even know whether we can survive for 1yr but u and ur ex managed to survive for 3yrs..
Am I not good enough compared to ur ex?
Did u treat ur ex better than how u treat me now?:(
Didn't u want someone who can treat u better than ur ex?Didnt i fit the criteria?
Sadness and feeling of depressed cause me many sleepless nights..
I with I could turn back the time..
The time where we could still be happy with each other..
The time where u would call me and talk to me excitedly..
The time where u could even take the trouble to come all over to my place..
The time where u smile whenever u see me..
The time where I was called baby or honey..
The time where I would be appreciated and made me feel good.
The time where we could talk about anything openly..
The time I could just lie down on ur chest and listen to ur heartbeat..
The time where we yearn to see and miss each there so much..
But can all this happen again?Can I turn back the time once more?
My heart feels heavier and heavier with sadness every each day..
It's killing me not to love and be loved in return:(
It's killing me u r not the same bf again..
How long can I feel depressed..how long can this last..
Loneliness is killing me slowly..
When can I learn how to smile again..I wonder..:(
However,that is not what I wana remember..my ex-bf is already a history..
I still remember exactly on Dec19,2007, after Simon and Tong fetched me to KLIA, Simon sent a sms to me confessing he loves me..it was very sweet of him then..and the msg is still in my hp:)
Back then,I really never thought he would be my bf..furthermore,I was kinda planning to further my studies in Aus to be together with my ex-bf..
However,what a change in fate..he made me realised and gave me hope that someone nearby could give me happiness..I changed my mind and decided not to go to Aus instead:)
After some time,I decided to break up with my ex-bf coz we dun seem to have future together..
On the Valentine's Day on Feb14,2008,u proposed to me and thus, start the journey of our love..
Many sweet memories when we were together..in Genting Highland,Pangkor Island..
not forgetting dating at each other's house and watched movies together..:)
All these memories make my heart smile and long for ur presence..
U r not the perfect kind of guy but I felt a total sense of happiness when I'm with u:)
However, as time goes by, u became busier with work and friends..
I'm no longer ur priority and u r moving away from me..
I was ignored and dun feel appreciated by u..
instead, i began to feel like a burden to u:(
What ever happen to the passionate kiss and hug?
Why were u looking away when I try to look into ur eyes?
Why is there an annoying tone in ur voice when I call u?
Why don't u call or msg me anymore?
Why arent u calling me baby or darling anymore?
Who am I to u and am I even a significant person in ur life?
My heart breaks into pieces when I dont even know whether u love me or not..
What have I done and what are my weaknesses that caused u to treat me this way?
I dun even know whether we can survive for 1yr but u and ur ex managed to survive for 3yrs..
Am I not good enough compared to ur ex?
Did u treat ur ex better than how u treat me now?:(
Didn't u want someone who can treat u better than ur ex?Didnt i fit the criteria?
Sadness and feeling of depressed cause me many sleepless nights..
I with I could turn back the time..
The time where we could still be happy with each other..
The time where u would call me and talk to me excitedly..
The time where u could even take the trouble to come all over to my place..
The time where u smile whenever u see me..
The time where I was called baby or honey..
The time where I would be appreciated and made me feel good.
The time where we could talk about anything openly..
The time I could just lie down on ur chest and listen to ur heartbeat..
The time where we yearn to see and miss each there so much..
But can all this happen again?Can I turn back the time once more?
My heart feels heavier and heavier with sadness every each day..
It's killing me not to love and be loved in return:(
It's killing me u r not the same bf again..
How long can I feel depressed..how long can this last..
Loneliness is killing me slowly..
When can I learn how to smile again..I wonder..:(
Friday, November 7, 2008
Old Memories...
today Theran from my old MHA group, Master Ninja Clan posted msg on my profile wall on bout how he and the group are doing..
sigh..its so sad to see Master Ninja Clan, once a glorious group..although its a small group but its very close-knitted group and everyone knows each other..has become dead:(
MNC is the 1st group that i have joined since low level till lvl80..
i waited patiently for Legendary Master(the creator) to come back but looks like he wont ever come back at all..since he is creating new game in facebook..
sigh..its very sad indeed to leave MNC to join Cyanide..but wat to do,MNC is as dead as stone..
it amazed me to see Nikol and Nighttears r still active in MNC..seems like they r the lone ones in MNC:(
well,speaking of my old MHA group,this reminds me of my old house in Ipoh..:(
my beloved old house in Buntong,Ipoh..many good and bad memories in it..
this also reminds me of my late father:( he passed away due to colon cancer in that house..
the house where i grew up since i was small..
the same house where my mum and dad used to quarelled and i suffered depression coz of them
the house where i spent most of my childhood alone hugging my dolls..
the house where i admired the hills far behind the house..
the house where i love to hear the raindrops on the rooftop,
the house where i love to watch the sparrows and pigeons flocking behind my house..
the place where i can relax and enjoy the peaceful environment around my house..
the place where i can smell the fresh air and hear the birds chirping every morning..
the place where i used to admire the beautiful skyline during sunrise and sunset..
the place where i can enjoy the beauty of nature where i cant get in Kl or my new house in Ipoh..
i love where i came from..im not a town girl..im just a simple girl with a simple heart..
wishing to be reunited again with the nature..
just to lie down on the soft grass and enjoy the strong wind in the afternoon..
running around my primary sch field and carefree of any problem..
painting beautiful sceneries and writing poems from my heart..
how i wish i could turn back to childhood again..
turn back the time and meet my father again..:(
i really miss u,papa..even after all these 4yrs..
where have u been??longing to hear ur voice again someday.
ur beloved daughter,
sharon..
sigh..its so sad to see Master Ninja Clan, once a glorious group..although its a small group but its very close-knitted group and everyone knows each other..has become dead:(
MNC is the 1st group that i have joined since low level till lvl80..
i waited patiently for Legendary Master(the creator) to come back but looks like he wont ever come back at all..since he is creating new game in facebook..
sigh..its very sad indeed to leave MNC to join Cyanide..but wat to do,MNC is as dead as stone..
it amazed me to see Nikol and Nighttears r still active in MNC..seems like they r the lone ones in MNC:(
well,speaking of my old MHA group,this reminds me of my old house in Ipoh..:(
my beloved old house in Buntong,Ipoh..many good and bad memories in it..
this also reminds me of my late father:( he passed away due to colon cancer in that house..
the house where i grew up since i was small..
the same house where my mum and dad used to quarelled and i suffered depression coz of them
the house where i spent most of my childhood alone hugging my dolls..
the house where i admired the hills far behind the house..
the house where i love to hear the raindrops on the rooftop,
the house where i love to watch the sparrows and pigeons flocking behind my house..
the place where i can relax and enjoy the peaceful environment around my house..
the place where i can smell the fresh air and hear the birds chirping every morning..
the place where i used to admire the beautiful skyline during sunrise and sunset..
the place where i can enjoy the beauty of nature where i cant get in Kl or my new house in Ipoh..
i love where i came from..im not a town girl..im just a simple girl with a simple heart..
wishing to be reunited again with the nature..
just to lie down on the soft grass and enjoy the strong wind in the afternoon..
running around my primary sch field and carefree of any problem..
painting beautiful sceneries and writing poems from my heart..
how i wish i could turn back to childhood again..
turn back the time and meet my father again..:(
i really miss u,papa..even after all these 4yrs..
where have u been??longing to hear ur voice again someday.
ur beloved daughter,
sharon..
Sunday, October 26, 2008
My 23rd Birthday..The Good and The Bad
Well firstly, I would to say thx to Debbie, my dear Simon and Tong for making my birthday a memorable one:)
At first,I thought my birthday this yr was the worst birthday ever but u guys made up my bad birthday..really thx to all of u:)
firstly,lemme tell u why I thought the birthday this time was one of the worst..
on my birthday itself,i got kena hentam by Lee Jue Ying,the bpysch dept for making booking changes last min..she didnt really scold me but her beh syok face and her voice tone was really annoying..i know it was our fault for making late changes..but pls la not on my bday la:(
that also bcoz i teman my groupmate..i asked her to go to talk to the admin ppl la since i have already go to shop to print out the poster and everything..but she refused..:(
i got somehow irritated by how introverted she is..just to ask the dept ppl to chop also u scared ah??:( or she was depending on me since i teman her to go so tht she doesnt have to ask!:(
then after that, we went to DSA to chop poster..I asked my groupmate to go in and ask the sir to shop but she refused again!she even asked whether she should go in with me!wtf!!:(
i already teman u to ask admin ppl and kena hentam,and now u asked me whether u should come in with me ah!!
so we went in..i said"excuse me,sir..""he interrupted."pls dun say excuse me..say good afternoon or something like that!" with that annoying tone of voice!:( then i said,"ok sorry,sir..good afternoon. may i know how do we get a chop for the poster?"
then he said,"ok, RM10!" i was like omg RM10??i stood there stunned for quite some time..
then he looked and me and showed me the file of the other poster documents..he said,"nah, u see..i think im kidding u ah..u see the other ppl also pay RM10 deposit to chop for the poster!"
i was thinking..oh RM10 DEPOSIT..sigh ok..i said "oh ok,sir..so sorry sir..we didnt know the procedure..we didnt know we need to pay RM10 deposit". so my groupmate paid the RM10.
then he asked,"so where is the photocopy of the poster?" i was stunned once again..huh?wat photocopy?? "er..sorry sir,we didnt bring the photocopy this time.coz we really dun know of the procedure since this is our 1st time." then he shouted,"so wat do u think u should do??go and photostat now la!!there is a free photostat machine outside here..faster go go photostat!"
wtf..and so we went to photostat and handed him the photocopy..he took and a pen and tried to write something and when his pen got no ink to come out,he still continue shaking and scribble roughly!!even his pen also doesnt like his attitude!!haha:p
there we go..i got kena hentam 2nd time in a row!!on my birthday itself!!thx but no thx to my groupmate who is so coward to go and ask them and i had to teman her instead!!@#$%
so after i went to Career Guidance class.an old friend of mine msg me whether i have any plan on my bday nite.i replied him and said not sure yet coz i was expecting my bf to do a surprise for me..who knows..then he said..oklah then wait for ur bf's msg 1st la..
after class,my bf said he cant come over to celebrate with me coz tong cant fetch him:(
so okla nvm at least i can celebrate with my friend in mid valley la..i dun wana have my dinner alone on my birthday of course!:(
then i send msg to my friend and said ..okla my bf cant celebrate with me tonight..we can meet at mid valley at 8pm la:)
then i waited for his reply..so long also no reply..until 8pm..no reply samor..i called him also didnt pick up the phone!i was like..wat the hell..r u going to mid valley or not??:(
since he didnt reply,so i also went to mid valley alone la..i was like so geram and disappointed til no words can describe redi:(
thx god,when i was in kl sentral waiting for komuter to go to mid valley, debbie's bf called and wished me happy birthday..then he asked me where was i since its so noisy in the background..
i told him im in kl sentral now going to mid valley and told him wat happen..then he said.. hah? then u going to mid valley alone ah?? aiyo nvmla,i can ask debbie to teman u to eat dinner..
haha i almost forgotten tht debbie is also in mid valley helping his bf in hp shop..
wah haha at least got someone to teman me to eat dinner and i wont be lonely on my bday nite:)
debbie and i ate in nando's peri peri chicken and she belanja me:)
after tht,her bf send me back home..haha ok quite satisfied also tht nite:)
debbie made up my bad day..thx a lot,debbie!=)
ok fast fwd to today..a few days ago,my bf said he will celebrate with me and tong on sun night..
so i was very happy and expecting something happy to happened today..
then around 5pm,he msg me and said tht he might not be able to have dinner with me..he will only come to my place for a while only..i was like wtf!! disappointed again!!:(
hey tht day i already kena disappointed by my fren..pls dun disappoint me again this time la:(
i got so sad..i actually cried after that..sigh dun knw la..nowadays i always pms..since its almost tht time of the month again:( so i sat there thinking and sob and cry..:(
i was thinking..im so disappointed..i also wana have nice bday experience like everyone else:(
but around 7pm something..he called me and said they were downstairs redi waiting and asked me to get dressed up quickly..haha ok now im happy coz at least he is gona do something althou its last min:p and so i quickly and dressed up and applied make up and all (its not quick..i didnt know i spent 40min to do all that..hehe sorryloh:p)
then tong dropped us in Secret Recipe in PBD..:)
i was like yay!nice meal at last!im deprived of delicious food!:p
i ordered something dun knw call wat but its dory fish with some sauce..very delicious!yum yum:p plus,oreo milkshake..oolala..;) we also ordered vienna brownies..yummy:)
so we start chating and eating..until the part where he said i dun have analytical skill enough and im suitable to become a secretary only!!wat the hell!!:(
i think its very insulting..and i actually cried a bit but tried to tahan it coz dun wana ruin the dinner:( pls la..dun la tell bout interview stuffs and how bad i am on my bday dinner:(
im ur gf and pls talk to me like ur gf la..im not ur friend or ur employees..u dun knw how to talk properly to ur gf ah??:(
if u say me like tht,then let me tel u something honestly..
i think u really dun knw how to talk to ur gf on a romantic dinner..
u still put on that serious working face instead of the role of a bf..
u dun knw how to be romantic and please a lady..
no doubt,i think u r a very good employee but when it comes to as a bf..
although u r not the worst,u r always a disappointment:(
i dun knw whether my expectation is too high or wat..
but my expectation always meet disappointment:(
so now i think i shouldnt expect too much i guess..
i suggest u see how the other bfs treat and talk to their gfs..
i also envy how loving debbie's bf is..how i wish my bf is like this:(
the sad thing is my own bf cant even see my strengths and can only see my weakness..
u said only those u care for me will tell me bout my weaknesses..okla i accept that..
but u said the same thing like wat my ex said..pls dun remind me bout him la:(
im very sad tht my own bf cant see the strenghts inside me..all he sees in his eyes is my flaws only..well,im not as weak as wat u think..believe me,u really dun knw me well enough..
can i at least can get a praise or recognition for something good that i have??
can u pls say something tht can make me feel better and not feel depressed about it?:(
i have been belittled by mum for 23yrs and i had had enough low esteem..
pls dun make my self esteem become lower..:(
all i want is to hear the word "i love you" from your mouth..
show that u care for me..treat me like a gf and make me feel special..
i just wana spend some time quality with us together..
can u even recall when was the last time we go out dating??:(
it has been months we go out together..
how i wish i can have that special feeling again..
hmm..aiii...dun knw wat crap am i typing la..
shouldnt i be thankful for u making the effort to come celebrate my bday??
sorry la..i think im getting pms so my mood is a bit out:(
btw thx for ur lovey dovey red soft toy:) i like it very much..
wish u see u soon and spend time with u..
i love u,Simon...
At first,I thought my birthday this yr was the worst birthday ever but u guys made up my bad birthday..really thx to all of u:)
firstly,lemme tell u why I thought the birthday this time was one of the worst..
on my birthday itself,i got kena hentam by Lee Jue Ying,the bpysch dept for making booking changes last min..she didnt really scold me but her beh syok face and her voice tone was really annoying..i know it was our fault for making late changes..but pls la not on my bday la:(
that also bcoz i teman my groupmate..i asked her to go to talk to the admin ppl la since i have already go to shop to print out the poster and everything..but she refused..:(
i got somehow irritated by how introverted she is..just to ask the dept ppl to chop also u scared ah??:( or she was depending on me since i teman her to go so tht she doesnt have to ask!:(
then after that, we went to DSA to chop poster..I asked my groupmate to go in and ask the sir to shop but she refused again!she even asked whether she should go in with me!wtf!!:(
i already teman u to ask admin ppl and kena hentam,and now u asked me whether u should come in with me ah!!
so we went in..i said"excuse me,sir..""he interrupted."pls dun say excuse me..say good afternoon or something like that!" with that annoying tone of voice!:( then i said,"ok sorry,sir..good afternoon. may i know how do we get a chop for the poster?"
then he said,"ok, RM10!" i was like omg RM10??i stood there stunned for quite some time..
then he looked and me and showed me the file of the other poster documents..he said,"nah, u see..i think im kidding u ah..u see the other ppl also pay RM10 deposit to chop for the poster!"
i was thinking..oh RM10 DEPOSIT..sigh ok..i said "oh ok,sir..so sorry sir..we didnt know the procedure..we didnt know we need to pay RM10 deposit". so my groupmate paid the RM10.
then he asked,"so where is the photocopy of the poster?" i was stunned once again..huh?wat photocopy?? "er..sorry sir,we didnt bring the photocopy this time.coz we really dun know of the procedure since this is our 1st time." then he shouted,"so wat do u think u should do??go and photostat now la!!there is a free photostat machine outside here..faster go go photostat!"
wtf..and so we went to photostat and handed him the photocopy..he took and a pen and tried to write something and when his pen got no ink to come out,he still continue shaking and scribble roughly!!even his pen also doesnt like his attitude!!haha:p
there we go..i got kena hentam 2nd time in a row!!on my birthday itself!!thx but no thx to my groupmate who is so coward to go and ask them and i had to teman her instead!!@#$%
so after i went to Career Guidance class.an old friend of mine msg me whether i have any plan on my bday nite.i replied him and said not sure yet coz i was expecting my bf to do a surprise for me..who knows..then he said..oklah then wait for ur bf's msg 1st la..
after class,my bf said he cant come over to celebrate with me coz tong cant fetch him:(
so okla nvm at least i can celebrate with my friend in mid valley la..i dun wana have my dinner alone on my birthday of course!:(
then i send msg to my friend and said ..okla my bf cant celebrate with me tonight..we can meet at mid valley at 8pm la:)
then i waited for his reply..so long also no reply..until 8pm..no reply samor..i called him also didnt pick up the phone!i was like..wat the hell..r u going to mid valley or not??:(
since he didnt reply,so i also went to mid valley alone la..i was like so geram and disappointed til no words can describe redi:(
thx god,when i was in kl sentral waiting for komuter to go to mid valley, debbie's bf called and wished me happy birthday..then he asked me where was i since its so noisy in the background..
i told him im in kl sentral now going to mid valley and told him wat happen..then he said.. hah? then u going to mid valley alone ah?? aiyo nvmla,i can ask debbie to teman u to eat dinner..
haha i almost forgotten tht debbie is also in mid valley helping his bf in hp shop..
wah haha at least got someone to teman me to eat dinner and i wont be lonely on my bday nite:)
debbie and i ate in nando's peri peri chicken and she belanja me:)
after tht,her bf send me back home..haha ok quite satisfied also tht nite:)
debbie made up my bad day..thx a lot,debbie!=)
ok fast fwd to today..a few days ago,my bf said he will celebrate with me and tong on sun night..
so i was very happy and expecting something happy to happened today..
then around 5pm,he msg me and said tht he might not be able to have dinner with me..he will only come to my place for a while only..i was like wtf!! disappointed again!!:(
hey tht day i already kena disappointed by my fren..pls dun disappoint me again this time la:(
i got so sad..i actually cried after that..sigh dun knw la..nowadays i always pms..since its almost tht time of the month again:( so i sat there thinking and sob and cry..:(
i was thinking..im so disappointed..i also wana have nice bday experience like everyone else:(
but around 7pm something..he called me and said they were downstairs redi waiting and asked me to get dressed up quickly..haha ok now im happy coz at least he is gona do something althou its last min:p and so i quickly and dressed up and applied make up and all (its not quick..i didnt know i spent 40min to do all that..hehe sorryloh:p)
then tong dropped us in Secret Recipe in PBD..:)
i was like yay!nice meal at last!im deprived of delicious food!:p
i ordered something dun knw call wat but its dory fish with some sauce..very delicious!yum yum:p plus,oreo milkshake..oolala..;) we also ordered vienna brownies..yummy:)
so we start chating and eating..until the part where he said i dun have analytical skill enough and im suitable to become a secretary only!!wat the hell!!:(
i think its very insulting..and i actually cried a bit but tried to tahan it coz dun wana ruin the dinner:( pls la..dun la tell bout interview stuffs and how bad i am on my bday dinner:(
im ur gf and pls talk to me like ur gf la..im not ur friend or ur employees..u dun knw how to talk properly to ur gf ah??:(
if u say me like tht,then let me tel u something honestly..
i think u really dun knw how to talk to ur gf on a romantic dinner..
u still put on that serious working face instead of the role of a bf..
u dun knw how to be romantic and please a lady..
no doubt,i think u r a very good employee but when it comes to as a bf..
although u r not the worst,u r always a disappointment:(
i dun knw whether my expectation is too high or wat..
but my expectation always meet disappointment:(
so now i think i shouldnt expect too much i guess..
i suggest u see how the other bfs treat and talk to their gfs..
i also envy how loving debbie's bf is..how i wish my bf is like this:(
the sad thing is my own bf cant even see my strengths and can only see my weakness..
u said only those u care for me will tell me bout my weaknesses..okla i accept that..
but u said the same thing like wat my ex said..pls dun remind me bout him la:(
im very sad tht my own bf cant see the strenghts inside me..all he sees in his eyes is my flaws only..well,im not as weak as wat u think..believe me,u really dun knw me well enough..
can i at least can get a praise or recognition for something good that i have??
can u pls say something tht can make me feel better and not feel depressed about it?:(
i have been belittled by mum for 23yrs and i had had enough low esteem..
pls dun make my self esteem become lower..:(
all i want is to hear the word "i love you" from your mouth..
show that u care for me..treat me like a gf and make me feel special..
i just wana spend some time quality with us together..
can u even recall when was the last time we go out dating??:(
it has been months we go out together..
how i wish i can have that special feeling again..
hmm..aiii...dun knw wat crap am i typing la..
shouldnt i be thankful for u making the effort to come celebrate my bday??
sorry la..i think im getting pms so my mood is a bit out:(
btw thx for ur lovey dovey red soft toy:) i like it very much..
wish u see u soon and spend time with u..
i love u,Simon...
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Lonely and Disappointed Beyond Words..
what can i say??no words can describe my feelings right now..
im very lonely,sad,miserable and disappointed:(
sad because my bf doesnt even time for me..
i know he is working but everyone else is also working..
but how could they spend time together with their gf nicely??
he said he wants to rest at home and i would understand the meaning of rest once i start working..
and so ur definition of rest is to out with friends,dota,gym,tv series..???
going out with colleagues whom u can see everyday,playing dota at least 2-3times per week,
going to gym 1-2 times per week...
but seeing his gf??only 2-3 times per month:(
that also im the one who always make the effort to ask him whether can meet or not..
that also i have to ask whether can go over to his place or not..
even if i go to his place,he does not really like it and acts cold towards me:(
im not forcing him to come over to my place..if would be wonderful if he comes..
even if i go to his place also,i can feel that im troublesome for him:(
im sick these past few days..did he come over to see me?No.
i was depressed because of constant worried of a certain test.did he comes to see me?No.
im really pokai and only have RM100 left..im not saying that u should give me money but u dun even care to help me with financial matters..its not like u dun have money since u r working..
i feel very lonely these few days..I have already told him last month that I would be going back only on 3rd day of raya so that i could spend time with him.does he remembers that?i doubt.
im being left alone here,trapped at home so lonely when everyone else is having fun and hanging out with someone else..:(
i also dun wana feel alone and left out..does he cares?No.
in the end,im being left alone depressed,miserable,sad and lonely..
how i wish he could call me instead of me calling him..
even plain sms could cheer me up everyday..
how i wish he could just do something or surprise me to cheer me up..
how i wish he could actually take the effort to come over to see me..
but i guess all that wont happen..
all that i will get is disappointment and will always be disappointment:(
i guess im really not important for him at all..
he put everything else above me..tv series,dota,gym,his other friends..
who am i to him?im just nothing,invisible,non significance,a burden for him..
what am i lacking till he treats me this way??
i try my best to spend time with him,being faithful..
i even try my best not to be like his ex who doesnt have time to spend with him..
have u forgotten that u were once lonely last time and yearn for ppl to call ur phone?
now that u have many friends and things to do,have u forgotten someone else who is lonely??
do u even care??:(
sad,sad..no true words could describe my feelings right now..:(
im very lonely,sad,miserable and disappointed:(
sad because my bf doesnt even time for me..
i know he is working but everyone else is also working..
but how could they spend time together with their gf nicely??
he said he wants to rest at home and i would understand the meaning of rest once i start working..
and so ur definition of rest is to out with friends,dota,gym,tv series..???
going out with colleagues whom u can see everyday,playing dota at least 2-3times per week,
going to gym 1-2 times per week...
but seeing his gf??only 2-3 times per month:(
that also im the one who always make the effort to ask him whether can meet or not..
that also i have to ask whether can go over to his place or not..
even if i go to his place,he does not really like it and acts cold towards me:(
im not forcing him to come over to my place..if would be wonderful if he comes..
even if i go to his place also,i can feel that im troublesome for him:(
im sick these past few days..did he come over to see me?No.
i was depressed because of constant worried of a certain test.did he comes to see me?No.
im really pokai and only have RM100 left..im not saying that u should give me money but u dun even care to help me with financial matters..its not like u dun have money since u r working..
i feel very lonely these few days..I have already told him last month that I would be going back only on 3rd day of raya so that i could spend time with him.does he remembers that?i doubt.
im being left alone here,trapped at home so lonely when everyone else is having fun and hanging out with someone else..:(
i also dun wana feel alone and left out..does he cares?No.
in the end,im being left alone depressed,miserable,sad and lonely..
how i wish he could call me instead of me calling him..
even plain sms could cheer me up everyday..
how i wish he could just do something or surprise me to cheer me up..
how i wish he could actually take the effort to come over to see me..
but i guess all that wont happen..
all that i will get is disappointment and will always be disappointment:(
i guess im really not important for him at all..
he put everything else above me..tv series,dota,gym,his other friends..
who am i to him?im just nothing,invisible,non significance,a burden for him..
what am i lacking till he treats me this way??
i try my best to spend time with him,being faithful..
i even try my best not to be like his ex who doesnt have time to spend with him..
have u forgotten that u were once lonely last time and yearn for ppl to call ur phone?
now that u have many friends and things to do,have u forgotten someone else who is lonely??
do u even care??:(
sad,sad..no true words could describe my feelings right now..:(
Monday, September 29, 2008
First Post
Hi!
This is my 1st blog post here in blogspot.com
Previously used to blog in friendster but now not anymore.
Also, I used to post up stories in Bathroom Wall application in Facebook.
Well,from now onwards I just pour out my feelings and blog about anything here=)
This is my 1st blog post here in blogspot.com
Previously used to blog in friendster but now not anymore.
Also, I used to post up stories in Bathroom Wall application in Facebook.
Well,from now onwards I just pour out my feelings and blog about anything here=)
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